The Invasion of the Pet People

Flop dominating an Easter bunny

Have you ever been in the presence of a truly smug pet owner? You know the kind. The ones that can't seem to have a conversation that doesn't relate to how cute or clever their pet is. Try and tell them that your 10 year old son is reading law at Cambridge or selling crack on the playground and you'll still get the same pet oriented response: “Oh yes, I know what you mean. Buffy is so clever she prefers to chew on The Economist.” or “If you think that's bad, you should see Buffy trying to hump the Irish Wolfhound at the park!” I even have a (distant, by marriage only) relative who would speak of nothing but his dog's ability to run in the woods at night without hitting trees.

I used to think there was something wrong with these people. They had no interests or achievements of their own and therefore projected all their desires and delusions into their dog/cat/goldfish. That is, until I came home one day to find a quivering little ball of fluff peeing on my sofa. The thing had a head so big compared to its little body that it looked permanently poised to topple over. It also had long droopy ears, big feet and a little tail in the shape of a cotton bud. Its fur was a mesmerizing array of grey, caramel and white tones. I automatically didn't care that the little rabbit was soiling the furniture, she was just the most perfect bunny I had ever seen and I was smitten. She was promptly named Flop and, without even realising it, I started taking pictures of her and showing them to whoever would look. I think it's the most amazing thing I've ever seen when she jumps/sneazes/grooms/tries to seduce my guests by peeing on them/eats wires and clothes. I even have to confess to the ultimate Pet Person crime of having a picture of her as the wallpaper for my mobile. Not to mention that I refer to her rather than it...

Well, I had asked for it. Literally. I had half-jokingly been annoying Andrew about getting me a monkey/bunny/goat for months and I have to admire how practical he was in his choice of pet. The goat might have proved problematic in a central London flat. Still, be careful what you wish for because you might get it (if you have a lovely boyfriend who can see past your nagging yet has a limited tolerance to it) and there might be consequences. Yes, I have become one of the Pet People.