Questions I never thought I would ask myself (but did)

What does one wear to a dinner party if the other guests are magicians?
Can I still eat that cheese if I take off all the green fuzz?
Why don't people answer my emails while I'm online?
Why does the weather not care about my deadlines?

Things to do (that can't be planned for...)

Finding ducks in a swmming pool.

Falling asleep to the sound of the rain's pitter-patter on the roof above your head.

Getting lost.

Meeting a friendly fox on your way back home after a late night out.

Failing at something you should be good at.

Discovering that you can do something you never thought about (like putting your foot behind your head or solving riddles)

Forgetting your underwear in the morning and smiling secretly all day.

A.

Have you ever stood by, helpless, while what you thought were the central features of your life just slipped, disappeared into the bottomless pit that lies beyond the limits of the earth as it was thought of before Columbus? Home, relationships, dreams and ambitions plummeting towards the open mouth of nothingness... The void is a scary thing, paradoxically full of emptiness and possibility. Quite a sight that! Some people would say it's one of life's formative experiences but I'm ready to bet all I've lost that the very same people pray they never have to go through it.

Of course, you'll try to clutch at straws, attempt to preserve whatever you can because these things define you, or so you think. Yet, aspirations and dreams are slippery little buggers. They will not be held and so down they go with the love that you had for people you didn't quite know and the desire you had for a future that didn't quite suit you and the hope you had for a life you couldn't quite envisage.

Only then, slack-jawed and bug-eyed, do you get to scream, shout and curse until your lungs are empty and burning. Only then do you get to cry until your eyes are raw and your whole body shakes with the pain of trying to keep what must be lost. Only then do you see that you have been stripped of protective layers of affection, belief and trust. Only then can you see that you're still there, blurry and sad, but still there.

Still there, faced with all that emptiness, all that potential. Still there, lighter of all these expectations; preempted regrets, really. Still there, capable of looking into the void and seeing that you will not fall after all. Still there, capable of knowing people you have not yet loved and finding a future suitable to your desires and envisaging a life filled with hope.

Your life, the aspirations and dreams that you make out of what you once thought was emptiness.

The Invasion of the Pet People

Flop dominating an Easter bunny

Have you ever been in the presence of a truly smug pet owner? You know the kind. The ones that can't seem to have a conversation that doesn't relate to how cute or clever their pet is. Try and tell them that your 10 year old son is reading law at Cambridge or selling crack on the playground and you'll still get the same pet oriented response: “Oh yes, I know what you mean. Buffy is so clever she prefers to chew on The Economist.” or “If you think that's bad, you should see Buffy trying to hump the Irish Wolfhound at the park!” I even have a (distant, by marriage only) relative who would speak of nothing but his dog's ability to run in the woods at night without hitting trees.

I used to think there was something wrong with these people. They had no interests or achievements of their own and therefore projected all their desires and delusions into their dog/cat/goldfish. That is, until I came home one day to find a quivering little ball of fluff peeing on my sofa. The thing had a head so big compared to its little body that it looked permanently poised to topple over. It also had long droopy ears, big feet and a little tail in the shape of a cotton bud. Its fur was a mesmerizing array of grey, caramel and white tones. I automatically didn't care that the little rabbit was soiling the furniture, she was just the most perfect bunny I had ever seen and I was smitten. She was promptly named Flop and, without even realising it, I started taking pictures of her and showing them to whoever would look. I think it's the most amazing thing I've ever seen when she jumps/sneazes/grooms/tries to seduce my guests by peeing on them/eats wires and clothes. I even have to confess to the ultimate Pet Person crime of having a picture of her as the wallpaper for my mobile. Not to mention that I refer to her rather than it...

Well, I had asked for it. Literally. I had half-jokingly been annoying Andrew about getting me a monkey/bunny/goat for months and I have to admire how practical he was in his choice of pet. The goat might have proved problematic in a central London flat. Still, be careful what you wish for because you might get it (if you have a lovely boyfriend who can see past your nagging yet has a limited tolerance to it) and there might be consequences. Yes, I have become one of the Pet People.